about me

Practically imperfect in every way. Start with a lot of silliness. Mix in some insecurities and a handful of awkwardness. Add a pound of naivety, innocence, and child-like wonderings. Blend well. Half-bake and top off with a sprinkle of imagination and dollop of dreams. It’s the recipe for me!

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just play

quote of the day

  • "Moral of the story: Do not look at the gap. The gap is the mind-killer. Remember how Wile E. Coyote never fell down until he saw the chasm? It’s just like that." --Taylor "Tei" Lindstrom, Rogue Ink

dumbass quote

  • "I think we have come to find out that the Education system, run by Liberal Hippies that really couldn't find any other job that allowed them so much time off, the ability to do drugs, and to spout their rhetoric is alive and well. It is teaching out kids things like 'Abortion is Good,' 'Government is Bad.' We have educators that, for the most part, don't teach to the subject, they teach to their beliefs. It is really sad, and even sadder when you see highly intelligent children buying into it." --Kelli

kids say...

  • Jacob: "I need to operate on my frog, but first he needs some amnesia."

copyright

Copyright © 2004-2004 Kerrie Lee. All rights reserved.

Affliction of the Confliction Condition

July 5, 2004

I’ve always had a hard time saying goodbye to things that served me well. I’m already having a hard time accepting that the beautiful Autumn Blaze pear tree and all the other plants we planted a few weeks ago will no longer be mine when we sell this house someday. Oh… and the light fixtures we replaced. And the paint on the walls. These things are mine. I choose them specifically for me. They are part of me.

A few months ago, I finally was able to say goodbye to my stuffed animal collection. I had more critters than is acceptable for a person my age. Some of them were older than me, and it showed. But I had anthropomorphized them. They were my childhood friends. They had names, and histories, and personalities. I couldn’t throw them in the trash. But some of them just weren’t good enough to go to another child. Really. I kept them in big garbage bags stored in the attic. They weren’t used, or displayed, though they were still loved. I chose a few special ones, and let the rest go. I couldn’t do it myself, but I let Rob know that I was ready to let him “take care of them.” Stupid idiot me, I’m crying now over those darn stuffed animals. Anyway, I gave them up. Finally. It was time. It was probably way past time.

I’ve been feeling a bit disenchanted with my roleplaying game lately. This feeling isn’t new, but I’ve been denying it for several months now. I found the game a few months after my boys were born in 1998. It kept my mind sharp during what was an otherwise dull time for my mind. I made a few friends from the game over the years. I played two or three characters that I grew to love. But most importantly, I created.

The game is completely text based, so it’s like being part of an interactive novel in a fantasy setting. Imagine writing the life of a character and affecting the lives of other characters in your favorite book. How cool is that! I practically bounce out of my chair just writing about it. Or at least, I used to.

I used to spend a few hours every night typing life into my characters. To some, it sounds a bit obsessive, but to me, it was just what I did for an hour or more every night when I put my boys to bed. Then, last November, things started to change. Oh, things probably started to change long before that, but I can very clearly recall a time in November when I noticed the change.

I donated a kidney to my dad in November of 2003. The story is a whole blog entry in itself, so I’ll save it for another time. After my surgery, I wasn’t feeling much up to dragging myself to my computer for quite a while. It wasn’t nearly as traumatic as one might think, but it was still major surgery. I was sore, and I was tired. When I had finally recovered enough to get back to my game, I found that I hadn’t really missed it as much as I thought I would. Part of me was surprised. Part of me was disappointed. For years, the game had been the thing I did during the hours between the boys’ bedtime and mine. It was my time. Some people watch T.V., some people read, I played Dragon’s Gate. I wasn’t ready to be over it. I hadn’t expected to be over it.

So here I am, several months later asking myself if it’s time to leave my wonderful little online game and community. I haven’t really played for fun much in the past months. Usually, I go in-game to fulfill obligations my characters have to others. It turns out to be pretty fun sometimes, but it’s starting to feel more and more like work. I’ve been in this rut before, and it usually dies out itself. I’m not sure this is a rut this time though.

As silly as it sounds, I believe I’m going to have to force myself to go in-game and have some fun. If I can find the fun again than things will be well. If not, well, then it may be time to move on. The hard part is that although I don’t feel like playing, much like the situation with those stuffed animals, I’m not ready to give it up.

Isn’t it odd that I appreciate the ability to observe the world as a child, yet I feel the need to let go of my childish thing?

CATEGORY: Uncategorized

One Response to “Affliction of the Confliction Condition”

  1. Oz Says:
    July 6th, 2004 at 4:53 pm

    I know what you mean. I hoard things as well. I still have stuffed animals from when I was a kid. It’s hard to know what will happen with your roll-playing game–whether or not you’ll love it again if you just keep at it.

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about this blog

It’s the spark of an idea that hits me unexpectedly. It’s the silly wonderings I have after a whirlwind of thoughts. It’s about creativity, inspiration, and imagination. But sometimes, it’s just about eating noodles.

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