about me

Practically imperfect in every way. Start with a lot of silliness. Mix in some insecurities and a handful of awkwardness. Add a pound of naivety, innocence, and child-like wonderings. Blend well. Half-bake and top off with a sprinkle of imagination and dollop of dreams. It’s the recipe for me!

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quote of the day

  • "Moral of the story: Do not look at the gap. The gap is the mind-killer. Remember how Wile E. Coyote never fell down until he saw the chasm? It’s just like that." --Taylor "Tei" Lindstrom, Rogue Ink

dumbass quote

  • "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps. And I believe that our education like, such as South Africa, and, the Iraq, everywhere like such as. And I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children."

    --Caitlin Upton, Miss South Carolina Teen 2007

kids say...

  • Jacob: "I need to operate on my frog, but first he needs some amnesia."

copyright

Copyright © 2004-2004 Kerrie Lee. All rights reserved.

A Calgon Moment

October 4, 2004

Dear Kids,

Don’t be alarmed, the world isn’t coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about 30 minutes and will involve soap and water.

Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn’t, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I’ve got energy for. (Which reminds me, I’m all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don’t panic if I’m not out right on time. I’ve heard that people don’t dissolve in water and I’d like to test the theory. While I’m in the tub, I’d like you to remember a few things. The large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I promise that even though you can’t see me, I am on the other side. I’m not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border, no matter what I said a while ago, I didn’t mean it.

Honest.

There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day. Later means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.

Believe it or not, shouting, “TELEPHONE!” through the closed bathroom door will not make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you’ll need to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can’t send him to school with telephone-number tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of “nothing” and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I’m choosing not to answer you.

Don’t call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom. He didn’t appreciate it last time. He won’t appreciate it this time. Trust me.

No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can’t go to Dylan’s house to play. No, you can’t go to Dylan’s house to use the bathroom.

If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to “water” the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don’t feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the place where people don’t like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them.

Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there is an emergency.

Emergencies are:

1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother is bleeding.
3. There’s a red fire truck in front of our house.

Emergencies are not:

1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There’s a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future, when anything in the bathroom overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my sanity’s sake, let’s pretend it was the tub, O.K.?

No, I don’t want to hear the real story.

Ever.

Especially not while I’m standing in the pool of water you missed.

(P.S. All Play-Doh experiments are canceled.)

Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table.

I’ll be out soon. Maybe.

Love, Mom

CATEGORY: Uncategorized

3 Responses to “A Calgon Moment”

  1. Fyse Says:
    October 5th, 2004 at 8:45 am

    Superb post. Oh, how I laughed…

  2. Whimsy Chick Says:
    October 5th, 2004 at 8:51 am

    I wish I could take credit for it, but alas, my mom sent it to me. The author is unknown.

  3. Ambrewskins Says:
    October 5th, 2004 at 12:04 pm

    I think digging a tunnel and hatching an escpape plan would have been a more viable option!

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about this blog

It’s the spark of an idea that hits me unexpectedly. It’s the silly wonderings I have after a whirlwind of thoughts. It’s about creativity, inspiration, and imagination. But sometimes, it’s just about eating noodles.

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