about me

Practically imperfect in every way. Start with a lot of silliness. Mix in some insecurities and a handful of awkwardness. Add a pound of naivety, innocence, and child-like wonderings. Blend well. Half-bake and top off with a sprinkle of imagination and dollop of dreams. It’s the recipe for me!

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quote of the day

  • "Moral of the story: Do not look at the gap. The gap is the mind-killer. Remember how Wile E. Coyote never fell down until he saw the chasm? It’s just like that." --Taylor "Tei" Lindstrom, Rogue Ink

dumbass quote

  • "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps. And I believe that our education like, such as South Africa, and, the Iraq, everywhere like such as. And I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children."

    --Caitlin Upton, Miss South Carolina Teen 2007

kids say...

  • Jacob: "I need to operate on my frog, but first he needs some amnesia."

copyright

Copyright © 2004-2004 Kerrie Lee. All rights reserved.

My Fraud Complex Revisited

October 7, 2004

When I started my first business back in 1997, it came as little surprise to me that no one took it seriously. I mean, I have a history of being unable to commit to things for more than 3 months. I don’t think it was my history of quitting that kept people from believing in me though. I think it had something more to do with me personally. I’ve always felt that people don’t take me seriously. Perhaps I don’t take myself seriously, and my lack of self-confidence is clear to others. I don’t know.

I’m finding that this new business venture is taking a similar path. I’ve talked about all of this before, but I haven’t made any progress since then. In fact, I’ve been tempted to put quotes around the word business each time I’ve mentioned it here. I’m trying to tell myself that this jewelry thing is real. I filed my DBA. I have a sales tax license. I have a business checking account. I have the website. I’ve been building my inventory. I have a fax machine and a fax number. Today, I found a mailbox service that I will be using. I’ve even sold jewelry already! Lots of it! It seems like real business. Yet, I still have this feeling that this is all make believe.

I tried to be the jewelry designer who owned her own business today. When I talked to the girl about the mailbox service, I explained that I would be selling my jewelry over the internet and I needed a mailbox that would be large enough to handle small shipments such as returns. But I swear almost choked when I came to the words, “I make and sell jewelry.” I felt like such a liar. A fake. A phony. A fraud. Get it? I couldn’t do it. After I said those words, I quickly followed up with the explanation that I wasn’t really selling jewelry yet, but once I got the site ready, I would need a mailbox. I was also compelled to add that it was “just a small home-based business, just a hobby, really.” Ugh.

What does it take to move from the imagined to the real? I see people making their dreams a reality all around me, and I have so much respect for them. Why can’t I feel that way about myself?

CATEGORY: Creativity

4 Responses to “My Fraud Complex Revisited”

  1. Captainwow Says:
    October 8th, 2004 at 9:10 am

    I don’t know. I have the same problem with other things. It IS real, it IS true but my heart doesn’t EXACTLY believe it. It’s no problem for me to say “I’m a very very good musician.” and I might sound like I’m bragging but I don’t give a rip because I know the truth. But if I try to say “I’m a beautiful woman.” something in me goes. “Well, no, not really.” Maybe we self sabotage and pushing through that will make us able to UNsabotage? drrr. I sure don’t know.

  2. Ambrewskins Says:
    October 8th, 2004 at 9:45 am

    Sometimes success can be scarier than the thought of failure. I think you should embrace your business, because how many other people get to make people feel good with the results of their job? And yes, shiny pretty things make people feel good, so enjoy!

  3. Oz Says:
    October 8th, 2004 at 10:44 am

    I hear you, sister. You know I’m right there with you. Part of my problem is that I doubt my product. I don’t feel like a “real” wedding photographer because I don’t think I have the things that “real” wedding photographers have. In addition, I don’t have the experience, etc. So I have trouble saying, “I’m the same kind of pro that the pro over there is.” I always tell my clients that I am unexperienced, etc. That’s my excuse, but I’m not sure you’re in the same boat.

  4. D.T. Says:
    October 9th, 2004 at 10:15 pm

    I agree with everyone. Maybe, as humans we dont want to make the mistake of angering people with excessive pride. It’s kinda like Greek mythology.
    Whenever a mortal dares to challenge the established hierarchy he or she suffer for their hubris. Like for example, in one myth, there was a man named Icarus who’s daddy warned him not to fly too close to the sun cuz that was territory reserved for the gods. But he paid big daddy no mind and ended up frying like a hush puppy. Well, actually his wings melted and he plunged into the sea, but I like the kentucky fried twist better.
    The point is, that maybe you dont want to appear as a prideful bitch. But if you know that you did a job well done, then dont be afraid to show others your pride. You can always count on them to tell you when you failed.

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about this blog

It’s the spark of an idea that hits me unexpectedly. It’s the silly wonderings I have after a whirlwind of thoughts. It’s about creativity, inspiration, and imagination. But sometimes, it’s just about eating noodles.

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