My semester ended well, I think. I’ve been struggling in my ceramics class all year, but after our critique on Monday, I feel like I finally got it. We didn’t have many projects this time. I ended up with eight pieces in sixteen weeks, which is very low. My first 6 pieces felt very unsuccessful. It wasn’t until I worked on my self-portrait bust and my big pot that I felt like I did anything worthwhile. When it came time to glaze my early projects, I really didn’t want to do it. I wasn’t happy with them before they were glazed, and I have a record of failed glazes, so I knew they couldn’t possibly get better. As it turns out, I was wrong.

I had four pieces that were made from the same mold, and were to be glazed differently. One piece was awful. I knew it, and my professor even suggested that I throw it out, or try to reglaze. I opted to throw it out. Another piece was wrong, but looked good. It’s hard to explain how it was wrong and beautiful at the same time, so you’ll just have to take my word for it that it’s not a good piece. The third piece had a textured surface and I used a glaze that would take advantage of the texture. The glaze turned red on the raised areas and black in the crevices. I didn’t think it turned out terribly well, but I heard my professor telling another student that my dish was a great example of what the glaze should look like. She also told me later that the piece was very good. The last piece was a fluke. I slopped a couple glazes on it and sent it to be fired. It turned out to be, in the opinion of my professor, a beautiful piece. She insisted that I take very good care of the dish and to get a picture of it for my portfolio. Her exact words were, “If I were putting together a portfolio for the Master’s program, I would definitely include this piece.” I’m having a hard time seeing the beauty of the piece since I know how little love and effort went into it. I can see that it has potential to be good though, so I’ll probably try the same application again in the future.

Right now, I can’t wait to get back into a ceramics class. That’s a huge change from how I felt about ceramics 16 weeks ago.

I’ve found myself overly concerned with food lately. I wouldn’t say it has become a problem, but I can see how it has the potential to become a problem. I’ve always had a very healthy relationship with food and with my body. My theory has always been eat what you like and stay active. By “eat what you like” I don’t mean be disgusting and pig out to your heart’s content. What I really mean is that all foods are good in moderation. I dislike low-fat, low-carb, low-sugar foods. I don’t add salt or sugar or butter to anything, mostly because I’m lazy. But if something has salt or sugar or fat in it, pass it this way! I eat real eggs. I like salt on my french fries. I use real mayo in my egg salad. I like fat in my sour cream. You get the idea.

This way of thinking has always worked out well for me. Before I had children, I maintained a very healthy weight. I gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy and it took nearly 6 years to return to a size that was more normal for me, but it did happen.

A few weeks ago, a thought entered my mind that’s never been there before. I had eaten too much of something and felt extreme guilt about it. It was donuts. I ate two donuts. It’s not the first time I’ve overindulged in donuts, but it’s the first time I felt guilt about it. That’s when the thought hit me. I thought I could just go to the bathroom and make myself vomit to rid my body of the donuts. As soon as the thought was there, it shocked me. I realized that this must be how it starts. It, of course being bulimia. Recognizing this as a warning, I noted that I should be more careful about what I ate to prevent the feeling of guilt again.

Over the next few weeks, things were okay. I had a few times when I ate something that brought those guilty feelings, but mostly I was good. Until last Saturday. Rob made brownies and I ate far too many. The guilt was awful. I ate over half a batch of brownies while watching, ironically, the America’s Next Top Model marathon. I told myself again that I needed to learn better self-control

Fast forward to last night. One of my boys is the “One of a Kind” student in his class this week. That means he gets to be the special helper all week long. I get to read a story to the class, and he gets to bring everyone a treat. (Though, it seems to me, if he is the special person, they should all be bringing him a treat!) So last night I made cupcakes. There are 29 kids in his class, and one box makes 24 cupcakes. (You didn’t think I was making cupcakes from scratch, did you???) So I got two boxes. That was my first mistake. I knew there would be over a dozen more cupcakes than I needed, so I knew I could sneak one for myself. Only, it wasn’t one. I had two. An hour later, I had another one. When the boys got home, I let them each have one, and I had two more. By this point the guilt was pretty bad. I ended up going to bed very early last night, as I’ve found myself doing a lot over the past couple of months. I’ve experienced depression once before, and there are a lot of other little things going on that seem to indicate that I’m experiencing it again. This whole problem with food is completely new to me though, and I’m not really sure what to make of it. Part of my problem is, obviously, a lack of self-control. The other part is the guilt I feel when I lose control. And that’s really the root of the problem, isn’t it? Control and guilt.

I need to take cupcakes to the school now, so I guess it’s something I can think about later.

So, for those who haven’t guessed what show I’m doing yet, here are a few hints that should give it away.

1. The performance is scheduled the first week of February. This week was not chosen randomly.

2. We’ll be selling red t-shirts for the show, not for Valentine’s Day, but as we prefer to call it, V-Day.

3. The show consists of 12 monologues, 2 narrators, and a 4 part “chorus.”

4. The cast is entirely female. Men need not apply.

5. Proceeds from the show will be donated to a local safe house.

You must have guessed by now that the show is The Vagina Monologues. My part, as my title suggests, is about Bob. If you’re familiar with the show, I probably don’t need to say anything more than that. I’m not disappointed with the role, but there is at least one that I would have liked better.

One part I would have liked went to a woman who, in my mind, does not fit the part at all. If you know the show, you most definitely remember the moaner. I was picturing someone very sexy and confident in the role. I had Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct in mind when I auditioned for it. The woman chosen for the part is named Rita. Rita is… how do I put this delicately? Rita is not Sharon Stone. Not that I am Sharon Stone, but there are some women in the cast who could have been Sharon Stone. Rita is more like Pat. You know, Pat. SNL Pat. Maybe I’m just not seeing the big picture, and maybe she’ll be great.

Rehearsals start after we return from Winter Break, so I will keep you informed.

Call backs from Monday’s audition were last night. The director asked me to read one more time, then I was finished. I was a little disappointed that I only got to read once, since lots of the other girls were asked to read numerous times. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. When it was time to read for one of the parts I wanted, she asked several black women to read for it, but no one else. Having seen their versions of it, I knew that the director would give the part to a one of them. They were really fantastic.

I’ve never seen the full “script” for this production, so I wasn’t sure which parts I would want when they asked me. I picked a few and that interested me, hoping they would get the gist of the type of part I wanted. I wanted one of the more humorous pieces. When I checked the cast list today, I was offered a part that wasn’t listed in any of the audition packets they gave out. I’ve seen the show performed before, so I have a vague rememberance of the piece, but I don’t remember if it’s very humorous or not. I can’t remember how long the piece is either. I suppose I’ll find out Monday when the cast meets.